get your snorkels, boys

cos we goin deeeep.

I'm tired of not speaking to anyone so guess I might as well embarrass myself here with my ridiculous, stupid, awkward thoughts.

I'm happy. I like love being here and I like the life I have here when I'm working I like the person I am when I'm working and I like the things I do when I'm working. When I'm not working, I have no idea what I do, where I want to be, what I want to do, not even how to do anything. I don't even want to do anything. I don't want to go shopping, I don't even want to go out anymore, I don't want to see my friends that I don't even have seriously, nothing. So what do I do? I work. I check the horses every now and then, I tell myself that I'm going jogging or for a walk, actually I run to the 50 acres to check the horses there, then run back. I wash our rugs, towels, numnah's, everything at home on my free time, and what else? Yeah I sit on my computer, hoping to find funny pictures on the internet to bring life to me. And still I want to keep living like this.

Why? Because it's simple as heck. I live here, work here. At times I go food shopping on my own, at times my boss takes me. I pay for my personal things myself, they give me pocket money, they pay for my food. I have a house that I need to clean. That's all. No drama at least anything that I'd take seriously, I guess no school, no stupid friends, no social life. I don't need to impress anyone, I don't need to use my brain for anything but work. It's easy to be here. Nothing's complicating my life or my thoughts. Except the fact that it's so easy that I'm bored.

In psychology class the teacher once showed us a film where they put a person in a dark room with nothing but a bed and a toilet seat. They'd give them something to eat every now and then, but otherwise the person couldn't see or hear anything. So there was nothing to stimulate them, nothing for them to pay attention to.  In less than half an hour they'd start feeling things, see illusions, hear and see things that didn't exist, that didn't happen. That's how I feel now. I've actually caught myself talking to myself a couple of times. I have conversations in my head with people, and I come up with different endings and plot them properly, just to keep myself entertained. Usually the conversations are about things that I'd like to tell them, but don't have the time/place/guts/right/opportunity to say.

Thank you